Okay, maybe M didn't kill someone but I'm going to kill him!!!

He ruined my first date in MONTHS a long fuckin' while. It's not been for lack of offers you understand, I just wanted to stay away from the whole dating thing for a while. I didn't feel like getting into a relationship with someone. C wasn't, my boys weren't, I had other people to complain about being single with. But then C found T and my boys just shunned me for shunning them so short of hanging out with M and having him offer to fix me up with some slut, I've had nowhere to turn.

So I went out with this guy I met online. Yes, online. It's not just for desperate fat people anymore, there are some really hot guys out there. Anyway, I met up with this guy. We'll call him A. That may or may not be his name. But it is.

Anyway, we were just, y'know, fooling around on the beach. I'd like to point out that there was an actual date before this, even if it did only last five minutes and involved me holding him back when he tried to kick the shit out of some old woman. Besides, we met online, did we really need to do the getting to know each other part? Anyway, like I said, on the beach, making out and I do the most stupid thing I could have ever done in the history of everything ever and then some.

I started to think about M and how I wasn't doing this with him and how - against all my better judgement - I wished desperately that I was and my mind started to wander. So in my head, it's me and M, his hands, his mouth, everything and I got carried away. Then it happened.

I called M's name.

A, obviously, went fuckin' batshit and fucked off.

But that's besides the point, he'll get over it. We weren't exactly in a serious relationship, I can't even pronounce his last name.

The point is, M is taking over my goddamn life! I can't switch my feelings off for him at all. Every tiny thought in my head revolves around him! I'll be talking to C about something completely different and all I can think about is him. I want to be around him all the time - which I obviously can't do because it's a bit weird, right? When I know something I've said or done makes him smile, I feel all... weird, but in a good way? When he was freaking out the other night, I just wanted to hold him, to just try and make everything feel okay for him. There were no perverted thoughts in my head, just an urge to comfort him.

So, I think it's time I stop lying to myself.

I love him.

I want to be with him so fuckin' badly that it actually hurts. But I'm not going to try anything. It's not fair on him. He's not interested in me like that. Doing anything would just be like manipulating him and I don't want to do that. I'd want him to be with me because he wants to, not because I'd twisted his mind.

I do think I need to stop lying to him though. I'm going to tell him about me. He might hate me, he might hurt me, it might ruin everything but he needs to know. He'll find out eventually anyway, it might be easier if he hears it from me.

Right?