Happy Halloweeeeeeen!

I love this time of year. Christmas is overrated.

(No, I haven't blogged all week but I'm pretty sure you don't want me being all whiny coz I miss M.)

It's party time tonight, I'm going to the old warehouse party that I go to every year. I'm not playing there tonight - unless I'm begged, so I can just get fucked up and have a good time. M's going to be there too, his first night out with me and the girls - I'm including Z here too. I can't wait to see him again, especially when I can actually get my hands on him afterwards.

And my brother's back from college with some of his buddies, so that makes tonight even better.

Actually, M makes tonight better. Definitely M.

And you may wonder why Brandon Lee is staring at you from this entry. What better Halloween costume to potentially seduce my boyfriend that The Crow, right? Especially when it's on someone like myself who can pull it off. Again, the guys who met me in Frisco will testify to that.

I don't want to go home.

I don't want to go back to the stupid world where our relationship will be hidden away. I don't want you to go back into the closet. I don't want to have to smile and pretend everything's okay when I'm going to be dying inside at having to stay away from you.

I wish this night would never end. I wish we could get stuck here. I wish our one last kisses didn't have to be our last.

I wish I didn't love you so much.

Frolics in Frisco.

Okay, so forgive me if I'm massively goofy and overexcitable here. I'll try not to be but I've never been so fuckin' elated in all my life. But I'm going to keep you guessing and talk about EVERYTHING else first.

So, the hotel is... well a pile of shit but most hotels in the chain are. I'm allowed to say that, I work for the chain and it really is a massive pile of shit. Anyway, M and I got up to our room when we arrived here and found there was only one bed. Also known as my boss, fuckin' yaoi fangirl, assumed that I was here with a lover. whichimightbenow.

First night, it was kind of awkward. I mean, I was smaaaaashed, so I don't remember much. Just that it was kind of awkward. Or the morning was anyway, when he woke up in a death cuddle. C's experienced them, they're scary.

So yesterday we went to a LGBTQ centre for kids who don't have anywhere else to turn. It's run by some old friends of mine, who I met over the internet and who really helped me out when I was first realizing who I was. So we basically hung around for a while, I got to meet and help some of the kids. They're awesome, seriously. I mean, I'm not just saying that because I have to but some of them were so strong. Especially the trans kids, they're a-fuckin'-mazing - and they LOVE M. But how could you not? (At this point, I'd like to say hi to the people there who recognized me from this blog. Yes, that hot piece of ass you met is the M. No, you can't have him.)

Last night, we went out to get fuckin' wrecked. He was supposed to hook someone for me, I was supposed to get someone for him. And that's when things started to go wrong. I totally lost my mojo. I couldn't flirt or anything, I was just... struck dumb. There was a great guy waiting for me, but I couldn't take advantage of it. And why, I hear you ask? M. Fuckin' M totally ruining EVERYTHING again. He was flirting - for my benefit - with some guy and I just got jealous, then my stupid brain just wouldn't stop dwelling on how I wished he was doing that with me but meaning it. Then I got the idea into my head that I needed to tell him how I felt about him.

So I did.

I mean, yes, other things happened before this but I'm not going into that. There are some things you don't need to know about. But yeah, on a street in the middle of Frisco, I finally told M how I felt about him. I mean, I toned it down a little, he doesn't need to be scared off by the fact I'm kind of in love with him. I just told him that I really liked him and that I had done for some time.

And he went off to get drunk.

Yep. I propositioned a guy and he went to get drunk. And the guys from the centre can tell you that I am not the kind of person you'd have to get drunk to sleep with. I'm fuckin' hot, even if I do say so myself. Think, a young Johnny Depp with less hair mousse... well, going upwards anyway. Seriously. Anyway, now is not the time to dwell on how hot I am. I'm in the middle of a story.

So, Matt goes off to get drunk. I'm heartbroken, so I go back to the hotel to do exactly the same thing. With chicken.

Numerous beers later - I made a castle from the empty bottles - M comes back to the room, tail between his legs. He's all apologetic and cute and I forgave him instantly. I hate it when he does that. Making me all forgivingy. Anyway, we sat and we talked a little. He stupidly asked me if I thought he was hot and I just... well let's say, I nearly had to check I was still all there. I turned into a fuckin' Hugh Grant movie. I blame the booze. So after I've said all this shit about how I think he's beautiful and everything... God, I'm grinning just thinking back on it.

After I've said all this, he kisses me. I swear to God, M actually kissed me. I mean, he kind of missed the first time but it's the thought that counts. And I pushed him away. Just a little though, I just needed to be sure. I told him I couldn't let this be a joke, I'd had too many played. He insisted it wasn't and he kissed me again. And he liked it. He fuckin' liked it and... oh God, I can still barely believe it. We pretty much spent most of last night just innocently making out. I say innocently because he's still kind of clueless about what to do with me, where to touch me, whether he can let himself touch me or whatever. It was just so fuckin' perfect, better than my fantasies. And I've had a lot of those. And then, we fell asleep in each others arms.

I know, I know, I've gone all super fruity on you but I don't care! I am so fuckin' happy, you have no idea. I have been waiting for this for three years and now it's actually happening, I can't quite get over it.

I mean, I know this doesn't neccesarily mean that we'll live happily ever after and there's always the chance he'll break my heart as well but I don't care in the end. Even the tiniest amount of time with M would be good enough for me. But the way he was talking, I don't know, I think there really could be something there.

Have I ever mentioned how awesome C is?

We haven't had any time together in way too long. She's been busy with T, I've been busy with M and we've just not seen each other. But we did today, even if it was after a less than ideal incident. T's been commited to hospital with suspected anorexia. He's fine, for those of you wondering, but it's shaken my girl up.

So C and I just sat with each other, hanging out, reacquainting ourselves, watching porn, talking over everything that's been happening. I've really missed her, y'know? But the length of time we've spent apart makes me worry that we're not going to be able to stay in touch when college comes next year. I don't think I could handle losing touch with her.

Maybe I should get her knocked up before she leaves, then she'll never be able to get away from me?

...

Oh... mini-vomit. Maybe not...

I am SO confused!

So, today I told M about me, the big 'G' word being brought up in conversation for the first time. And he seemed cool with it. God, I'm so relieved. Or I was so relieved until it started to get weird and confusing.

He asked me how I knew, so I told him about the dreams, the boy, everything. Then suddenly he got all weird and frantic and made up some bullshit story about having a date. He just ran. I've texted him to ask how it went or if he's okay but I've got nothing back.

Is he like everyone else? Just some homophobe who's now disgusted with me coz he knows the truth? Or is it something else? Something more like... recognition?

Is M having doubts about himself?

Is it wrong of me to be happy about this possible occurence?

Locker Room Antics!

Which seriously, not as hot as it sounds... although there was jerking off in a cupboard watching a sexy football team showering. Okay, so it was pretty hot but that's not the point of this blog.

Anyway, back to the point. I ended up talking to M in the locker room today, while he was pretty much naked except for a towel, it's the start of most of my dreams these days. Except in my dreams, I'm just in the towel too... or we're in the showers... or... sorry, I drifted off for a moment there...

ANYWAY, we were just talking and it got sort of weird. M's been seeming a little down lately so I just offered him a shoulder to cry on, a friendly ear, a mouth to violate. But while we talked, I found myself turning into a goofy schoolgirl, all gushing and nervous and giggly. I'm NEVER like that. But the weirdest part was, M was kinda the same. I mean, not as obviously as I was, he just seemed a little more shy and nervous around me too. But not in a bad way, y'know? In more of... well, the way I was really.

What the hell am I supposed to take from this? I know what I'd like to think, I know what I want it to mean but surely that's wishful thinking. I mean, M's straight for a start, he's never given me reason to believe otherwise. And if he wasn't, why would he want someone like me? I mean, yeah, I am fuckin' hot but I'm not exactly the kind of guy people fall for.

I'm a little confused by all of this now. On the one hand, I want him to feel the same way about me so badly that it's actually a little humiliating. On the other, I don't know what I'd do with the knowledge if I found out he did.

Ugh, love is so confusing!

Okay, maybe M didn't kill someone but I'm going to kill him!!!

He ruined my first date in MONTHS a long fuckin' while. It's not been for lack of offers you understand, I just wanted to stay away from the whole dating thing for a while. I didn't feel like getting into a relationship with someone. C wasn't, my boys weren't, I had other people to complain about being single with. But then C found T and my boys just shunned me for shunning them so short of hanging out with M and having him offer to fix me up with some slut, I've had nowhere to turn.

So I went out with this guy I met online. Yes, online. It's not just for desperate fat people anymore, there are some really hot guys out there. Anyway, I met up with this guy. We'll call him A. That may or may not be his name. But it is.

Anyway, we were just, y'know, fooling around on the beach. I'd like to point out that there was an actual date before this, even if it did only last five minutes and involved me holding him back when he tried to kick the shit out of some old woman. Besides, we met online, did we really need to do the getting to know each other part? Anyway, like I said, on the beach, making out and I do the most stupid thing I could have ever done in the history of everything ever and then some.

I started to think about M and how I wasn't doing this with him and how - against all my better judgement - I wished desperately that I was and my mind started to wander. So in my head, it's me and M, his hands, his mouth, everything and I got carried away. Then it happened.

I called M's name.

A, obviously, went fuckin' batshit and fucked off.

But that's besides the point, he'll get over it. We weren't exactly in a serious relationship, I can't even pronounce his last name.

The point is, M is taking over my goddamn life! I can't switch my feelings off for him at all. Every tiny thought in my head revolves around him! I'll be talking to C about something completely different and all I can think about is him. I want to be around him all the time - which I obviously can't do because it's a bit weird, right? When I know something I've said or done makes him smile, I feel all... weird, but in a good way? When he was freaking out the other night, I just wanted to hold him, to just try and make everything feel okay for him. There were no perverted thoughts in my head, just an urge to comfort him.

So, I think it's time I stop lying to myself.

I love him.

I want to be with him so fuckin' badly that it actually hurts. But I'm not going to try anything. It's not fair on him. He's not interested in me like that. Doing anything would just be like manipulating him and I don't want to do that. I'd want him to be with me because he wants to, not because I'd twisted his mind.

I do think I need to stop lying to him though. I'm going to tell him about me. He might hate me, he might hurt me, it might ruin everything but he needs to know. He'll find out eventually anyway, it might be easier if he hears it from me.

Right?