No, no, no, no, noooooo!

I hate everything right now! Seriously!

So M came over today, yes? We sat and watched some of my favorite films for this project we're doing and of course said films have orgy scenes and suchlike in them. I have self control, I was fine. ... Enough. Okay, I was a mess but y'know, I hid it well. He just thought I was a little weirded out over the guys making out and jacking off and everything. Anyway, everything was okay until I lost my piercing and had to get on my knees to find it and somehow managed to get my hair stuck in M's belt. Of course this was bad enough but then my DAD walked in on it and started to make jokes. So M's there being all M-like and amazing and I'm there DYING of humiliation.

As if the night couldn't get any worse, M and I decided to go out. So we went to one of my haunts - him still under the impression that I like pussy - and I ended up convincing him to flirt with a guy for drinks. Y'know, get him into it, get some research on the project and all that shit. So he did while I watched. Well... and you guys can keep a secret right? What am I saying, you don't even know me, of course you can. I wasn't so much watching him as I was staring and instantly hating myself for suggesting it all! I was jealous, guys. I don't do jealousy but I was seriously fucking jealous of this guy that was all over my M. I hated how M was acting around him, even if it was all an act. I had to stop it, so I went over there, not really sure what my plan was but knowing I had to stop this bullshit. It was made easy enough for me, the dick was planning on drugging him, I caught him before he had chance. So I saved M's life and shit and he didn't react so well, he just went on a little homophobic tirade and stormed off.

Anyway, it's all been solved now, I called him and we fixed everything. We're still sort of friends and he doesn't hate me, which is a good sign.

That's not the thing that's worrying me though, it's this whole jealousy thing. I've never, ever been like that! Then again, this just isn't some random guy, this is M. I've never let a little crush get in the way of the things he has. I kinda... I mean, I've sort of... there are some things I've always kinda hoped I'd share with him. Everything I feel for him is kinda deeper than all these others little crushes and passing infatuations I've had. And this has lasted nearly two years now, the longest any of my infatuations have ever lasted. Maybe it's not just a little crush anymore?

I don't want to feel like this about him, especially not when there's no chance for us. I want to be able to move past it and focus on finding someone else. Or just be able to get over it so I can see him with someone else and not die inside.

Anyone got any tips for stopping this?

Anyway, on the bright side - coz there has to be one, you know how much I hate being emo. C's date went well! She had her first kiss since me - I WAS YOUNG AND CONFUSED! - and by all accounts, this T is pretty much the best thing ever. He even gave other T... shit, I've got names confused now. I can't call her T M because my M is M... erm, right. C's T stood up for her against the retard T... could I call him L? Do I have an L? Either way, her date stood up for her against some asshole who's been trying to fuck her since forever. That in itself has made me approve of this new potential boyfriend. I'm so glad she's happy.

Especially when I'm really not.